I killed my scale(with a hammer to be exact).
Extreme? Maybe. Necessary for me? Absolutely.
How It Started
In the past, I have shared my process of overcoming my eating disorder. For years I ate too few calories, went to the gym out of fear, and abused laxatives. I have found so much freedom in these areas in the last couple of years. It has been a process of learning to say no to those toxic habits and break free of my compulsions. I have been eating healthily, and it has been one of the biggest successes of my life…but one thing remained. Through all of my progress I have clung to my old “friend”, my scale.
Every single morning when I woke up, I would weigh myself. It became an automatic start to my day. Sleepily I would walk over to the scale, take off my clothes, and await my fate. I would close my eyes and think of a number that I would be happy with that day. I don’t just mean the pounds, I would even think of ounces. After what seemed like an eternity, I would open my eyes to find out what kind of day awaited me.
I wish I could say this is an exaggeration. I wish I could say that number had little impact on my mood. The truth is, that number had the power to make me or break me. It had the power to decide if I was worthy of love or if I needed to try harder tomorrow. I’m embarrassed to admit that some days I found myself on the scale multiple times, as if a few hours would change my body composition. It became a compulsion that I knew I needed to stop.
My body was free from my eating disorder, but my mind was still as trapped as it had ever been.
I found myself obsessing throughout the day and fearing what numbers I would see in the morning. Would it be a good week? Or would it be a bad week?
In Need Of Change
In September, my husband and I were about to go to Disney World and the week after that I would be on vacation in Texas with my family. I felt myself going back to an unhealthy place. I started feeling stress about the impending fun, rather than letting myself enjoy this time. Instead of feeling excited, I dreaded the thought that maybe the scale would go up one or two pounds.
When we are in the thick of our own pain and confusion, it can be nearly impossible to think rationally. I had convinced myself that people could visibly see the difference between 135 and 138lbs, WHICH MAKES NO RATIONAL SENSE.
Now, I am going to be completely raw and real with you: I had tried in the past to get rid of my scale. I had thrown one away, and I ended up buying another one a couple days after. I had asked my husband to hide it from me, and I would go find it when he went to work. I felt addicted to my scale.
Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to get rid of it for good. I was tired of this lifeless object controlling my life. I was tired on feeling anxious about date night food because of the inevitable weigh in tomorrow. I gave power to something that deserved none.
My husband sat by my side as I put on the song, “Look Up Child” from Lauren Daigle. I took a hammer and said goodbye to my ultimate frenemy. For the first time, it felt real. I knew I was done with this toxic attachment that I had. I know that it might come across corny, but something changed in my heart that day. I felt the shift that my soul so desperately needed.
It’s been almost 2 months and my house is scale free. The thing I found most surprising was that I didn’t miss it at all. I assumed that it would be hard to adjust to my scale-less life, but it wasn’t. I was overwhelmed with relief. My mind instantly felt clearer and 90% of my food anxieties were gone. I have barely thought about my weight and have felt free to enjoy all of the yummy things that come with this time of year.
Recently I went to the doctor and they weighed me. I weighed the exact same as I had when I was stressing constantly about my body. It was eye opening for me to see that I had been stressing about NOTHING. I do my best to treat my body well and my fears were never based in reality. My chest swelled with pride when I realized that instead of living miserably these past few months, I lived with a clear mind, and guess what?
And in the end, who cares if I gain 5 or 10 lbs? No one cared about my weight as much as I did.
You may not struggle with your scale like I did, but many of us end up putting our identity in things that do not serve us. I’ve come to learn that I am more than my appearance. I am more than a number. I am more than the sum of my past accomplishments. When all of that is stripped away, I see myself for what I really am.
I am wife, daughter, sister and friend. I am someone dedicated to bringing positivity to this world. I am book lover, who dreams of living out her own adventures. I am alive. I am free to write the story of my life. Nothing can control me if I don’t give it permission to.
Is there anything in your life that you feel you need to “break up” with? Is there any step of action that you believe would bring more light into your life?
It is not easy to let go of things that aren’t good for us, but I assure you that it is worth it.