I Killed My Scale (And Took Back My Life)

I killed my scale(with a hammer to be exact).

Extreme? Maybe. Necessary for me? Absolutely.

How It Started

In the past, I have shared my process of overcoming my eating disorder. For years I ate too few calories, went to the gym out of fear, and abused laxatives. I have found so much freedom in these areas in the last couple of years. It has been a process of learning to say no to those toxic habits and break free of my compulsions. I have been eating healthily, and it has been one of the biggest successes of my life…but one thing remained. Through all of my progress I have clung to my old “friend”, my scale.

Every single morning when I woke up, I would weigh myself. It became an automatic start to my day. Sleepily I would walk over to the scale, take off my clothes, and await my fate. I would close my eyes and think of a number that I would be happy with that day. I don’t just mean the pounds, I would even think of ounces. After what seemed like an eternity, I would open my eyes to find out what kind of day awaited me.

I wish I could say this is an exaggeration. I wish I could say that number had little impact on my mood. The truth is, that number had the power to make me or break me. It had the power to decide if I was worthy of love or if I needed to try harder tomorrow. I’m embarrassed to admit that some days I found myself on the scale multiple times, as if a few hours would change my body composition. It became a compulsion that I knew I needed to stop.

My body was free from my eating disorder, but my mind was still as trapped as it had ever been.

I found myself obsessing throughout the day and fearing what numbers I would see in the morning. Would it be a good week? Or would it be a bad week?

In Need Of Change

In September, my husband and I were about to go to Disney World and the week after that I would be on vacation in Texas with my family. I felt myself going back to an unhealthy place. I started feeling stress about the impending fun, rather than letting myself enjoy this time. Instead of feeling excited, I dreaded the thought that maybe the scale would go up one or two pounds.

When we are in the thick of our own pain and confusion, it can be nearly impossible to think rationally. I had convinced myself that people could visibly see the difference between 135 and 138lbs, WHICH MAKES NO RATIONAL SENSE.

Now, I am going to be completely raw and real with you: I had tried in the past to get rid of my scale. I had thrown one away, and I ended up buying another one a couple days after. I had asked my husband to hide it from me, and I would go find it when he went to work. I felt addicted to my scale.

Letting Go

Suddenly, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to get rid of it for good. I was tired of this lifeless object controlling my life. I was tired on feeling anxious about date night food because of the inevitable weigh in tomorrow. I gave power to something that deserved none.

My husband sat by my side as I put on the song, “Look Up Child” from Lauren Daigle. I took a hammer and said goodbye to my ultimate frenemy. For the first time, it felt real. I knew I was done with this toxic attachment that I had. I know that it might come across corny, but something changed in my heart that day. I felt the shift that my soul so desperately needed. 

I Killed My Scale (And Took Back My Life)

The Aftermath

It’s been almost 2 months and my house is scale free. The thing I found most surprising was that I didn’t miss it at all. I assumed that it would be hard to adjust to my scale-less life, but it wasn’t. I was overwhelmed with relief. My mind instantly felt clearer and 90% of my food anxieties were gone. I have barely thought about my weight and have felt free to enjoy all of the yummy things that come with this time of year.

Recently I went to the doctor and they weighed me. I weighed the exact same as I had when I was stressing constantly about my body. It was eye opening for me to see that I had been stressing about NOTHING. I do my best to treat my body well and my fears were never based in reality. My chest swelled with pride when I realized that instead of living miserably these past few months, I lived with a clear mind, and guess what?

The Sky Didn't Fall. It won't fall..png

And in the end, who cares if I gain 5 or 10 lbs? No one cared about my weight as much as I did.

Final Thoughts

You may not struggle with your scale like I did, but many of us end up putting our identity in things that do not serve us. I’ve come to learn that I am more than my  appearance. I am more than a number. I am more than the sum of my past accomplishments. When all of that is stripped away, I see myself for what I really am. 

I am wife, daughter, sister and friend. I am someone dedicated to bringing positivity to this world. I am book lover, who dreams of living out her own adventures. I am alive. I am free to write the story of my life. Nothing can control me if I don’t give it permission to.

Is there anything in your life that you feel you need to “break up” with? Is there any step of action that you believe would bring more light into your life?

It is not easy to let go of things that aren’t good for us, but I assure you that it is worth it.

I Killed My Scale (And Took Back My Life)

 

46 Comments

  1. Love this! I’ve been there as well and haven’t weighed myself in over a year. I maintain a healthy lifestyle and put my energy elsewhere (to much more important things). Like you said, it’s so freeing! Thanks for sharing your journey and in such a beautiful way ❤️

    1. Thank you so much Tiffany. I am so happy you were able to break free as well <3 I hope you have a wonderful day!

  2. Such a great post. I’m finally at a point in my life where my weight doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s crazy the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to look “perfect”. I know that celebrities and pop culture has a hand in this but we know we’re smarter than that, and yet we still punish ourselves for not looking like this person or that person. I’m so happy that you’ve been feeling better! You look great, girl! <3

  3. YES!!! This is so awesome!! I’m currently on a little journey of my own, learning to develop a healthier mindset about my weight and health journey. Taking it slow and simple and treating my body, mind, and soul to what it really needs. I love this so much and I know I don’t know you, but I want to give you a hug and let you know that I’m so proud of you!

  4. I can relate to this so much. I have not personally owned a scale since I recovered from my disordered eating patterns/activities, but the mental attachment to that way of thinking is still a struggle. I can so easily get addicted to stepping on the scale at the gym or grocery store (what a horrible place for a scale!) and let it determine my worth.

    1. The mental attachment is the hardest part, but It has helped me so much to take small steps in thought process. I’m hoping it will get even easier with time. And I agree, Why have scales there?!

    1. You should! haha
      And it is one of my favorite songs, it never fails to make me smile:)

  5. This really hit home for me. I struggled with my eating disorder for so long. Being healthy hasn’t been easy, but it’s worth it. This was very empowering. “My body was free from my eating disorder, but my mind was still as trapped as it had ever been” is a amazingly relatable. Thank you for writing this!

    1. Thank you Jenni!
      Recovery is so worth it. I’m happy you are in a good place now!
      It can be so difficult to retrain my thoughts, but it is getting easier with time:)

  6. I truly may go and break my scale as well tomorrow! It just sits in my bathroom as a reminder that I avoid it at all costs. I actually realized these last few months I wasn’t worried about what I was eating. Just trying to be healthier, good with portions and move more and I lost 2lb from where I had been at! Not looking at the scale helped me to ignore the stress that was keeping those extra pounds on.

    1. That is wonderful! It is all about focusing on health, and the rest seems to follow. I’ve been learning that a number isn’t worth my peace. <3

  7. Wow… this was such an amazing post. I’ve constantly struggled with my weight and I didn’t know that I needed this until now. Thank you

    1. You are so welcome Sofi. Thank you for your kind words, there is always hope! <3

  8. Very inspiring! So very true and you’re not alone. My teenage years were tough, as a Latina girl I didn’t want the thick thighs and hips, and ultimately relied on laxatives to lose weight. I wasn’t eating and going to the gym. I was able to somewhat overcome that. After six pregnancies, I am no where near where I was before marriage and kids. Too often the weight issue wants to sneak it’s ugly head. But I pray and remind myself that this new body has carried my little ones, and that my family doesn’t look at me in numbers. They’ll love me regardless, whether I’m a size 2 or 20.

    1. Thank you for sharing your story Chiari. You are amazing as always.You are beautiful and an incredible mom to your little ones!

  9. I love this choice you made to free yourself from your weight issue. The important thing is not to be thin but healthy. If it means eating more than you have been used to, so be it. It’s important to nourish your body too with healthy food choices.

  10. I absolutely love this! I haven’t yet been able to break the tie to my scale, even though I know it should. It seems no matter where I am in life, stepping on that thing has the power to make or break me. Maybe I’ll think about at least putting it away for a while…

    1. It is definitely something to consider. It has brought me so much peace to take that stressful ritual out of my day. If you don’t feel ready to get rid of yet, you could go a week or two without it, and see how it makes you feel:)

    1. Thank you Paola! It can be so hard to finally let go of the “ideal” weight. I’m so happy that you are recovering as well. You are brave!

  11. This is beautiful and so inspiring! I’m so tied to my scale, right now, and it is hurting me. Any little set back is so discouraging. Maybe I should kill my scale too!

  12. Living without a scale is so freeing. I’m so happy to hear you’ve destroyed yours and have gone 2 months without missing it! I got rid of mine a few years ago and it was the best decision of my life. ♡

  13. Good thing you get rid of your scale. It really wont help if you keep on monitoring your weight. I’m so glad you finally set yourself free and started to feel good about yourself. You need to embrace the changes from your body and learn to appreciate and love it.

  14. I love this! I actually did the same thing. I haven’t weighed myself in almost a year now, and I’ve been meaning to, but I was too scared because I knew for a fact that the number was going to be higher than I would have liked, so I took it outside and threw on the ground a few times 🙂 never felt better!

  15. This is so raw and honest, thank you. I’m overweight. People often think that the only people struggling with weight are far people or people who are so thin that they look unhealthy. Thank you for sharing and allowing people to see anyone can be battling their own body regardless of size.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: