I have been in process of embracing the unknown and welcoming chaos.
Since as long as I can remember I have been adamant about keeping order. People may wonder if our personalities are learned behaviors over time, but I know that this is truly how I was born. While other kids were enjoying the fresh air and embracing adventure, I was always on alert.
I know this to be true because my family recently recovered an old video of 3 year old me at the beach in Texas. In the video, you see my siblings prancing about the sand without a care in the word. Where was I? I was staring up at the sky in horror. I had my sights set on a kite high above me, panic etched on my face. The voice behind the camera asked me what was wrong. My answer? “ We need to get it down! We need to get it down now!” To this day, I have no idea why this phenomenon worried me so much. The kite in the sky had to come down, it just had to. The video stretches over 10 minutes, as I pace about in complete panic.
Though I may not scream and shout anymore, order has always remained a cornerstone in my life. In times, it has served me well. It helps me get things done and it pushes me into greater opportunities. Although with most things, it can be easy to let a good thing get out of control.
I may not remember the kite situation, but I do remember a fall morning a couple years later. I saw the leaves falling from our tree in the backyard. Deep inside my little soul, I believed that this was wrong. The trees were dying and they needed my help. I picked up leaf after leaf and sat them down at our outdoor table. I grabbed my crayons with a mission in mind. I was going to color every single leaf green once again.
I’ve always looked back on this memory and thought it was a cute childhood moment, but what if it is something more? What if all of these years I have clutched to my crayons and forced green on what is supposed to be orange? What if I have held onto my order and plans and haven’t acknowledge the beauty around me?
There is something beautiful about loosening our grasps on the crayons we so desperately cling to. Maybe all of these year I have begging kites not to fly, when flying is their destiny. Some things are meant to be wild. Some things are meant to be a mystery. Some leaves are meant to be orange.