Embracing Chaos

I have been in process of embracing the unknown and welcoming chaos.

Since as long as I can remember I have been adamant about keeping order. People may wonder if our personalities are learned behaviors over time, but I know that this is truly how I was born. While other kids were enjoying the fresh air and embracing adventure, I was always on alert.

I know this to be true because my family recently recovered an old video of 3 year old me at the beach in Texas. In the video, you see my siblings prancing about the sand without a care in the word. Where was I? I was staring up at the sky in horror. I had my sights set on a kite high above me, panic etched on my face. The voice behind the camera asked me what was wrong. My answer? “ We need to get it down! We need to get it down now!” To this day, I have no idea why this phenomenon worried me so much. The kite in the sky had to come down, it just had to. The video stretches over 10 minutes, as I pace about in complete panic.

Though I may not scream and shout anymore, order has always remained a cornerstone in my life. In times, it has served me well. It helps me get things done and it pushes me into greater opportunities. Although with most things, it can be easy to let a good thing get out of control.

I may not remember the kite situation, but I do remember a fall morning a couple years later. I saw the leaves falling from our tree in the backyard. Deep inside my little soul, I believed that this was wrong. The trees were dying and they needed my help. I picked up leaf after leaf and sat them down at our outdoor table. I grabbed my crayons with a mission in mind. I was going to color every single leaf green once again.

I’ve always looked back on this memory and thought it was a cute childhood moment, but what if it is something more? What if all of these years I have clutched to my crayons and forced green on what is supposed to be orange? What if I have held onto my order and plans and haven’t acknowledge the beauty around me?

There is something beautiful about loosening our grasps on the crayons we so desperately cling to. Maybe all of these year I have begging kites not to fly, when flying is their destiny. Some things are meant to be wild. Some things are meant to be a mystery. Some leaves are meant to be orange.


  1. I’ve been slowly learning to embrace chaos and change a long time. My biggest jump into change was moving into my rolling home. And I don’t always stay in it. This week I will have slept in 4 different beds in 4 different cities in two different states. It’s chaos. But I am trying to flow with it.

    1. It can be so hard to learn to go with the flow, but it sounds like you are living quite the adventure too! In the midst of all of the crazy, you are making so many memories!

    2. True. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized how precious each moment is. I really true to be “present” for my life. I attempt to live to the fullest.

  2. That level of anxiety in a child is amazing – and not in a great way. *hugs* I think chaos has it’s moments – if you’ve ever watched the videos of the Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Fiesta, especially at lift off – gorgeous. There’s a controlled chaos there. In a school of fish. In the wind in the trees, moving each leaf differently. Those are the chaotic moments I can love. But chaos internalized? Not so nice.

    1. I think it was mostly that I liked to have things in order and was Type A. I definitely wasn’t like that all of the time, those are just a few instances that I remember:) I would love to see that Balloon Fiesta! It sounds gorgeous:)

  3. There really could have been more to those moments of anxiety and panic as a child. I’m a firm believer of letting doctors know as much as possible as to not miss anything. But you’re thriving! Slowly but surely you are embracing all that life has brought your way. As we all are. 😊🙏🏽

    1. It isn’t so much that I believe I had undiagnosed anxiety or mental illness, it is more so that I think I was very Type A and loved to have a plan. But yes, I am doing very well now as I learn to balance order and spontaneity.

    2. Yes, that’s true. And now being aware, the balance helps so much prevent anxiety. I experience that with my family, even with little ones, I need to have organization and structure. Of course it helps to have flexibility and know there can’t be perfect days. 😊

  4. This post resonates with me for so many reasons! It is not easy to embrace the unknown and/or be present in the chaos. However, it really helps take pressure off having to have all the answers and/or need 100% certainty before embarking on a path. Great post!

  5. Beautiful post, A lesson for everyone. We have to learn to embrace chaos and take out of it a better us!!! Love every part of it

  6. Beautiful. The thoughts of a child are so interesting. I have a child who needs everything explained and just so. And it has made me a more thoughtful and open parent because of it. Life is always an adventure and everyone’s unique personalities makes it colourful. ❤️

  7. It is very interesting to re-assess childhood situations with adult minds you end up finding some celerity in why you are who you are, how you became who you are, and what was really happening in the adult world while we were just being kids.

  8. This is a true reflection about life. No matter how hard we try to plan or control things, sometimes they don’t always seem to happen as anticipated. the best way is to move with the flow and simply adjust our sails. Lovely piece.

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